Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
