ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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