happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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