i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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