the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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