I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
