this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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