the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
