She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
