Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
