My friends, they love my intelligence
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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