Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
