He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
