we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
