Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
