Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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