In the future we'll all be gay
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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