You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
