so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
