Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
