lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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