I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
