I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
