david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
