can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
