there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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