You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
