Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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