I should be sponsored by Trojan
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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