I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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