tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
