Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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