Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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