I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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