You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
