Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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