u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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