just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
