I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
you made out with another girl for some wings
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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