shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
