remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
