if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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