I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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