On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
two words...techno handjob
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
