they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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