remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
