oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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