When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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