Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
