remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
