We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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